One morning I woke up to a message from a woman who had read an article on my site. She asked and I paraphrase: How do I make the switch from expecting others to treat me as I would treat them if I don’t ask for what I need? This question was in reference to divorce, again a subject I know all too well. I was 34 when I split from my husband for the last time. We had been together 17 years at that point, exactly half of my lifetime. We had two beautiful children together and truth be told countless fond memories of my “starter life”, I will elaborate on this in more detail ahead. It has been almost 14 years since my divorce but not a day goes by where I don’t still reflect upon a learned lesson or two that with an open heart, I will share with you. As humans in our shared experiences we tighten the ties that bind. It is in sharing where release truly begins.

Lesson 1: Divorce (I will use the term in both noun form, as an adjective and verb form) is a very, very lonely passage of time. Even if you are the instigator, no especially if you are the instigator the loneliness is that much more palpable. You have not only decided to end an until death do you part contract, you have made that decision for your partner as well, most of the time without their consent. To layer on that even more, if you have children, you have made the decision for them too. Friends, in-laws, acquaintances will all take a side. Please take my advice and heed very close attention to this point. Save your strength to fight the bigger battles ahead, lines in the sand will most emphatically be drawn. You are not responsible for making anyone but yourself feel comfortable with your decision. This lesson also taught me still to this day, you are the only one driving your bus. It would be nice if there was a seat for everyone after divorce but sometimes there just isn’t, and you need to be ok with that. Lines drawn during divorce and its surrounding environment though they may fade over time are still visible and felt if only in the heart and memory.

Lesson 2: You learn the great stuff you are made of. During this passage of time, I questioned everything about myself. Was I a phony? Did I only pretend to be decisive? Was I wrong? And those are just a few I can think of at this moment, I am sure there are many more time has healed and let go. To pile on this mountain, all the people in your life will question you too, “are you sure you want to go through with this—are you crazy—do you know what this is going to do to the kids?” to name a few. My Mother, I hope she can not read this from Heaven (as she was right), once or more than once said to me: You will know the time is right, when there is no going back, only moving forward. When I decided the very last time that this time was it, it was it. There was no more waffling, maybes, or one more try. When all of those hold me back synonyms were swept away, all that was left was strength, determination, grit and forward movement. As you see from lesson 1, I had saved my strength and it was the fuel I needed to move the divorce vessel full steam ahead.

Lesson 3: There is a famous quote by Robert Frost, In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on. I understand how truly trite this may sound when you are in the depths of divorce despair, I really do! But I also know, almost 14 years on the other side I am living proof that life goes on. I went on to get married again and brought another beautiful soul into this world. I have watched my children grow into the most wonderful of human beings. My first husband and I went on to lead lives chain free from the hurt we were, intentional or not, inflicting on each other. My “starter life” taught me what I did and did not want out of life and marriage and relationships. It taught me that until death do us part is simply an oxymoron. It doesn’t take death to part two people in a marriage. Divorce is the death of marriage, the end of one life, but the beginning of another. Life goes on because it has to go on, what a glorious concept when you embrace it.

So to answer the question posed to me: How do I make the switch from expecting others to treat me as I would treat them if I don’t ask for what I need?—Ask for what you need. Just make darn sure first that you know what you need. Divorce is a paradigm of chaos, a one size definitely does not fit all paradigm. The most important takeaway from this article, in my experienced humble opinion, is to treat yourself like you would treat others. The most often overlooked person in divorce is yourself. You are very busy taking care of everyone else and trying to make it—your divorce— right for the world. Let me save you a whole lot of time, you simply can’t! Re-read, Repeat after me—YOU SIMPLY CAN’T. To circle back↑, ask for what you need, but know what you need and know only you can treat yourself as you would treat others.

Re-read, Repeat.

At what age do you stop finding yourself and is it a lone journey?

I have always considered myself to be an independent person. Whether it be that I am an Aries, the only girl growing up with three brothers, being raised in a single parent home or just my inherent genetic makeup—whatever the reason, the result was still the same, Independence. My Mother always used to say, “water seeks its own level.” She was referring to the relationships we have in our lives. She also had another wise saying, “what starts wrong ends wrong” (and in my experience she has never been wrong with this one), but we will leave that topic for another article. My point is she wasn’t wrong, and she seldom was—water seeks its own level. Can we find ourselves, independent of others?

Another recent event has also catapulted this question into the spotlight. Two classmates of mine have died this year at the age of 46—unfathomable. “Mid-Life” for them was the age of 23. One died in an accident and the other is unknown to me. I can only surmise though that they both got up on the day of their passing not knowing this would be their last day on earth. Did they accomplish all they set out to do in life, did they leave anything left unsaid, had they found themselves or were they even looking? We always think there is more time, then one day there isn’t.

Finding ourselves can have as many different meanings as there are individuals. For some it could be finding the right career path, for others it could be finding the inner strength to leave a troubled relationship and for others it could be at a most root base finding the place where we fit, in this puzzle we call life?

Water seeks its own level. At each stage in life we attract what we seek. In grade school we are leaving our parents and the safety of our homes for the first time, we seek comfort. We find that comfort in a familiar teacher, classroom or another soul we meet and form the first bonds of friendship with. For me that was a blonde haired little girl named Renee. In middle school we tend to leave childhood behind, we seek independence from our parents and search for the different or the like depending on where we are on our journey. In high school, though we may stand out, oh how we seek to fit in. In college and beyond to our work lives we are again seeking through finding the familiar where we fit in. The journey continues.

At what age do you stop finding yourself and is it a lone journey? I wish I could give a definitive answer on the first part of that question. As soon as I find myself (any day now), I will let you know. The second part of the question, I can emphatically answer—No, it is not a lone journey. As I look back over every leg of my journey, I was not alone. From the moment I took my first breath, she was there; when I walked into a new school after my parents divorced when I was 9 years old, that little blonde haired girl, Renee was there; in junior high and high school so many beautiful souls, I call friends were there; when I needed a job and later help raising and caring for my babies, my friend, Jennifer was there; to this day and to my last for everything I have ever needed, my friend, Gia was there. Along every path I have ever taken, good or bad, I have never walked it alone. Be rest assured wherever you are on your journey of finding yourself, you are a piece of someone else’s journey and maybe just maybe you are that missing one. ♥

It Takes A Village To Raise A Human

First of all, I have to say I have been very blessed to be surrounded by some very enlightened people. With that being noted, I secondly have to say I am also very surprised that relationships of any kind still exist. The old adage: you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family is becoming or has become such an antiquated notion. Technically, no you cannot choose your blood lines but you can choose at a certain point in life how or if you will interact with them. The same holds true for friends. As we age and have different life experiences our filters of the world and relationships start to change. The bonds we once shared with family and friends based on similar life experiences have now become a part of our history as perhaps a catalyst for the future or another chapter in our life books that is now read and closed. Relationships are third in the hierarchy of needs, though I theorize they are interwoven into the first two—Food/Water/Shelter & Safety/Security— as I don’t believe any of those can exist without the other. People need people as they need the air they breathe.

There isn’t much that keeps me up at night, normally. As of late a few life situations have encumbered the sound sleep I am so gratefully accustomed to. This interruption however, has given me ample time to contemplate the situations at hand and come up with a few solutions that I hope will benefit us all. Which brings me back to the questioned posed to me.

How do you support someone when you don’t support their views?

• Separate the view from the person. I know easier said than done. Whole relationships have been torn apart over perspective views. Think about this, chances are if you decided to forge a relationship with an individual, what you like about them isn’t usually, if at all, one dimensional. One view is not who they are. Switch to the multi-dimensional view of a person and it becomes easier to support the person even if you don’t support their view. 
• Take off the filter. I recently got into a very heated discussion about life and death. It got heated because of my filter. My filter is the death of my Mother. Before her passing, death carried a profound significance but no filter. As I began to realize in the course of the conversation that I was getting myself heated up because of my filter, I was able to take a step back, take off the filter and come back to a place of peace. When I put this into practice I began to recognize I had a lot of filters and only by removing them, when I could, I created win-win situations. Life is short and every second you waste is one you will never get back. Use them wisely, take off the filter.  
• Know: You are not wrong and they are not wrong. Repeat. There are very few absolutes in life. Unless someone is coming to you to support them murdering someone or robbing a bank, the chances are that both of you are not wrong, you are both right. It is so simple sometimes that it seems hard.

And if all of the above fails, ask yourself this before you respond.

The scale and I have had a love/hate relationship for as long as my memory will allow. If I had to put a timetable on it, let’s just say 32 years, give or take. “FOR NOW” definitely had to be a part of this article title because though I am 30 days free of it—the scale, I haven’t quite completed my cost/benefit analysis to determine if I could remain—scale free, for a lifetime. One of my personal goals has always been to remain as fit & healthy as possible for a lifetime. Lofty goal for many I assume, as I also assume, many of you reading this have taken it to extremes at times—to stay within certain ranges on that scale.  😉 I know I have!

In my book, Woman Market Ready in 4, 3, 2, 1-ACTION, I explain the importance of Maintaining a Weight of Within 10-15 lbs of Your Lowest Sustained Weight as an Adult, for health and wellness reasons. I was challenged by a reader, who is firmly against the scale, to offer alternative quantifying methods to measure the success of the principle I proposed in my book and to which I firmly believe in. So as one to never shy away from a challenge presented to me, I started my research right away and started by dumping the scale for a 30 day period. When I tell you this was no easy task for me—I am a daily weigh-in person, this challenge came with many challenges from day 1! How would I measure—Would it be sufficient—Would I be satisfied—Would I cheat—What if I didn’t miss it? 

I started out by identifying 3 modes of measurement I could use in place of the scale. Two tangible and one intangible. The latter of the 3 I implemented as a sanity measure for the days when the tangible measurements might not be so kind, shall we say, and might entice me to just slip “once” and weigh myself. Here they are, 3 alternatives to the scale.

1. I got out the old measuring tape. And by got out, I mean—full disclosure, it is always front and center on my dresser. I have often used it at times to alleviate my anxiety when the scale went up a few pounds for seemingly no reason i.e. no change in eating or exercise lifestyles. I have baseline measurements that are committed to memory that I use to compare and contrast when the scale is telling “unfounded” stories.  😉 Since I already had baseline quantitative measures, switching to the measuring tape minus the scale wasn’t that much of a challenge. The big challenge for me, self micro-manager, was switching from daily to weekly measurements. I mean I am obsessive but not completely crazy. Can you imagine me whipping out my measuring tape at the same time everyday? If this is new to you, these are the areas I measure, which most size charts use: waist; hips—hip bone to hip bone and right below; bust and I also, much to my friend’s chagrin, measure my thighs. This method has served me well over the years in conjunction with the scale and now without the scale I still find it useful especially with the following two measures.

   

2. I (gulp) got out my smallest pair of jeans—you know the ones! The ones you should have gotten rid of maybe a decade ago. The ones that perhaps you might have to lie on the bed to zip them up and then call for reinforcements to get you horizontal. The ones you may not even wear out in public at all but alas can’t bear to part with—you get the idea. Funny story, I was writing yesterday and my Mom-in-Law came over and we started talking about weight and measurements and how I have encouraged her to have her picture taken even while in her bathing suit—really we are our own worst critic—then she went on to say how she has this one pair of pants that she uses to keep her on track, the minute they become tight or she can’t button them she gets back on track until they fit again. I thought she just wrote this segment for me!  🙂

   

3. I got more in tune with the person that knows me best—me. We have covered the 2 tangible quantitative methods, and I must say, out of all 3—the intangible method is my favorite. I know me. I know when I haven’t worked out; when I have overindulged in sweets and most importantly when I am out of balance because of excess of any kind. Due to this exercise, I have tuned into myself even more, in an effort to get back in balance as soon as I am aware I am out of it. I am a creature of habit—I eat the same breakfast everyday; I workout to all the guidelines for a woman my age. I have a solid plan for eating & exercise lifestyles. Knowing this and having those solid lifestyle plans enables me to make the balance corrections I need to make, quickly and efficiently. I know the intangible might require a little more work, initially, than the other 2 methods, but I firmly believe once you have done the legwork, you might be able to not only dump the scale, but maybe the other 2 tangible methods as well! 😀

   

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Post Script: They say when one of the senses is taken away from you, the others become sharper to compensate. In my experience with this exercise, I find that to be 100% accurate. Dumping the scale (for now) has taught me that I am more than just a number. I am a whole being capable of tapping into my inner resources to achieve success results that don’t require me to step on an object that can make or break my day at whim. I can’t say for certainty I won’t step on that object from time to time either to validate myself or punish myself when I am in-balance or out of it but I can say “for now” I am a whole lot happier without it!

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How do I thrive in this “Market” when I am “Tech”nically challenged?

UDPATE before I even published the original content. 🙂  I held my second computer class at the retirement community this week and attendance based on the buzz around the community, are you ready for this, TRIPLED! It was standing room only, well technically the residents were sitting around the perimeter of the conference room table but you get the point (standing room only just sounded a little more dramatic  😉 ) peeps of all ages want to be in the “technology know”.  

The simple and trite answer to the question posed is as follows: you learn how to become “un-technically” challenged.  Before we go forward sometimes we need to go back. And by back I mean way back. Back to when we were learning to walk for the first time. As instinctual as learning to walk may seem, it is indeed a very hard task. The brain has to say to the legs those two things attached are made for getting you from one place to the other. It does this with the help of the brain which is part of the central nervous system. Ok, enough with the science right, what has this got to do with learning technology? Well in a word—EVERYTHING! In the same way we learned to walk, we will learn how to master technology by using our motor neurons through continual conditioned response and then just as walking became second nature, using technology will as well. Let’s get to it!

NOTE: When I use the term: computer, I am including all types of technology mediums.

1. As simplistic as this may sound the way to get started is to start. Decide what your technology of choice will be to either get started or to expand your knowledge base. Most of us are exposed to some sort of computer at our jobs. Be it a desktop, laptop, tablet or smartphone and even registers are computers. That is your jumping point, now to decide which type of computer do you want for your personal use because it is there in your free time where you will really learn your technology craft. And how you say? By learning all you can and doing the hard “play” work. There was a time that smartphones actually came with a manual.  I know, shocking! I am not exactly sure why that practice stopped but it did so moving on. Except for the maybe one person reading this who has not gone on to the internet and did a search, message me and we will figure out that mess later, for the rest of us that is your place to start. Google your product manual by conducting an internet search, for example enter “Apple iPhone 6s manual” into the search box and I assure you everything you need to know about your new smartphone will now simply be a point and click and practice away. There is a manual for just about everything on the WWW. I have a home phone from probably the early 2000’s and I found the manual there, scary and comforting all at the same time!  😯

   

2. If you are going to have more than one type of computer; laptop and smartphone for example, consider staying within the same family group for ease of learning purposes. I have found this works for me especially with my “tech on the go”. By being able to sync all of my devices I can easily pick up on one device where I left off on another. With Apple products (which is what I use) this includes: text/iMessages; emails; phone calls and a whole host of apps that are compatible across devices. I believe Android & Windows has the same syncing functionality as well across devices. It is just a matter of preference. If you choose to go this route though beware of limiting your learning base. I have a well meaning friend who for years teased me about my tech choices. In fact it was this constant ribbing that persuaded me (OK, I succumbed to peer pressure) to switch to Apple products. Though I am glad I did, I am also glad I learned many other operating systems through my smartphone tenure, which brings me to #3, shall we!

   

3. To the contrary of #2, if you want to expand your knowledge base choose different computer types. I am just going to put it out there, really once you learn one kind of operating system, you learn them all because basically they all do the same thing. They just have a different way of driving the bus. When my son moved from a Windows laptop to a MacBook I wanted him to show me everything about this system that was foreign to me. As he was going through the features, I was like oh so you connect to the internet this way, oh your icons are on the bottom of the desktop and the oh’s went on and on. As I emerged from my comfort zone and started to tread into unchartered territories myself what I found was a sense of accomplishment when I learned the different systems. No matter where I went from then on out I would be able to jump right in on that system. This tech world, heck this world in general is very fast paced and learning curves are getting shorter and shorter. Get ahead of the curve and position yourself for success by being able to adapt and adapt quickly to the ever changing tech world and its technology. You aren’t going to know every system out there but even if you know at least two and know them well, you will be ahead in this market!

   

4. Familiarize yourself with the computers control panel and settings. I spent an hour and a half on this one topic alone in my last computer class. I offered to tutor a resident before class on their Apple iPad and how to get the settings and the apps she wanted. One was actually a Microsoft Office program that was made for Apple that she could use between her Windows laptop and her iPad. I explained to her that the “app” is how she would access the program just like any download of a program on a desktop or laptop computer. I then went through each control panel setting to show the various ways you can customize the computer to fit your needs. Most systems are actually very user friendly, though it may not seem it at first. Most of the things you try can be undone if you do not like them. It is worth the time and investment for you to get to know what you can customize as it is human nature to return to the familiar. The more you familiarize yourself with your computer and what it can do the more inclined you are to use it.

   

5. I saved this one for last as I am very passionate about Computer Programs! When I went back to college at the advanced age of 31 one of the required courses was Microsoft Office. I had been exposed to Word, their document based program at work (still tech crazy after all these years) but had no idea how my world was about to open up during this semester long course. Documents, spreadsheets, presentations, OH MY! I immediately went and purchased Microsoft Office for my home computer so I could practice and expand my knowledge. This is just an example of what with knowing ONE suite of programs can do for your professional life. A few examples in my life include: being chosen as a contributing writer and editor for a division wide newsletter that would be distributed to 5000+ employees, that exposure and my knowledge of presentation programs led to being chosen for a panel at a division quarterly meeting. Those two exposures led to a job promotion. Of course there were other factors involved but the take away is I knew a program and I knew it well and used it to its full advantage. This is just an example of one program, your niche is out there! If you have an intranet system at work, learn it, know it and be able to articulate it proficiently. Set yourself up to be ahead of the rest, believe me: Knowledge is Power!

   

   So as the questioned was posed to me: How do I thrive in this “Market” when I am “Tech”nically challenged? I took the long way around answering: you can’t, you just simply can’t. That is this woman’s humble opinion. Hopefully, however what you may have read will inspire you to become technically sufficient and embrace progress for what it is: two steps forward, two steps back. Do they call that a Cha-Cha?  😀

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