Here are 5 steps to help you get back on the saving track (always the #1 financial priority, in WMR’s opinion) and reduce your debt simultaneously. Win-Win in WMR’s book!

I am not going to state the obvious (well maybe I am) but if there was a -1 step it would be:

DO NOT ACCUMULATE ANY NEW DEBT FROM THIS POINT FORWARD  🙂 

1. LAY IT ALL OUT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! I know, I know! This may sound arbitrary but it is definitely the #1 way to fool yourself into thinking you have less debt than you have if you do not do this step first. Find a nice big surface like the kitchen table and lay out your receipts, your credit card bills, match them up and move on to step 2!

   

2. So of course your second step would be to TALLY THOSE BILLS UP! Arbitrary and Duh sounding again, YES! Unequivocally necessary, YES!!

   

3. On to step 3, CREATE A STRATEGIC PAY DOWN PLAN! I have again included my free Financial Spreadsheet to help you get this done. This spreadsheet is fully customizable and I put some figures in it to get you started. This step is a little more in-depth so let me expand upon it:
   

   (A). Fill in your fixed expenses first, the column farthest left, make sure to include emergency savings in there even a little amount. If you take the savings right off the top, chances are you won’t even miss it.

   (B). Next estimate what your variable expenses will be for the month. This includes: food; gas; entertainment and so on and input them into the spreadsheet. This will leave you with the net income you have to work with to pay down your bills.

   (C). You have a few options now: 1. pay down the lowest balance first, provided the interest rate isn’t too high 2. pay down the one with the highest interest rate, not necessarily the one with the highest balance first or 3. any combination of the two. Use a free financial calculator found on the www to see how much you will be paying in interest overall to help you decide which approach to take as well. Most credit card statements now include the pay down breakdown with your monthly statement.

4. MONITOR DILIGENTLY YOUR PAY DOWN PLAN! Hopefully by step 4, you will have a better grasp of how much you owe and how long it will take for you to pay off your holiday debt. As with everything in life think of this as a learning experience. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, nothing more!

   

5. MODIFY YOUR PAY DOWN PLAN AS NECESSARY! Things happen, that is called life! For example if you can’t pay more than the minimum on a bill because you had an unexpected car expense, don’t sweat it! BUT please always make the minimum payment to maintain a good credit score as we have found out is very important!

   

I am a goal orientated kind of woman, I believe we all are! So when I think in terms of saving or paying down debt sometimes the joy of it, just isn’t enough. I need something else. For me that something else is always mainly traveling, this year it is Disney World with my Family, next year who knows but I do know I will be prepared, so will you!!  😀

]]> 702 https://kimberlyboutin.com/create-that-vacation-deficit-now-so-you-can-enjoy-yourself-later/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=create-that-vacation-deficit-now-so-you-can-enjoy-yourself-later https://kimberlyboutin.com/create-that-vacation-deficit-now-so-you-can-enjoy-yourself-later/#comments Wed, 17 Jan 2024 11:00:54 +0000 https://kimberlyboutin.com/?p=736 Controversy, controversy, everywhere there’s controversy, especially when it comes to the “ideal” body image. Before I proceed I want to drop you the link for MARKET READY-Take 1 as a refresher to how I feel not about body image but about getting to and maintaining a weight that works for each individual woman. Further a weight you can easily or with a little effort maintain without fad diets, fitness gimmicks and the like. Also I would like to share with you an excerpt from About Kim—I have been a certified Group Exercise Instructor since 1998, have gained, lost and maintained that loss of 50, 53, and 43 lbs respectively, with each baby—Believe me, I have done the legwork for this article for years! Because I am so strict with my day to day let me just call it what it is—weight regimen (obsession just sounds so negative  😛 )—it is very difficult for me to let go when on vacation and just enjoy food and drink without always thinking about the possible ramifications of said letting go, on the scale. I also thank goodness have the inert wisdom and healthy relationship with myself to know, life is short and vacations are supposed to be a fun and joyful escape from “everyday normal  life”. This realization, 1992, being my earliest recollection is where my Vacation Deficit program came into being. I have tweaked the program over the years building upon the successes but the core plan has always remained the same—easy to follow, healthy and effective. My goal is always to lose between 5-7 lbs and I always give myself at least 2-3 months before vacation time to do so. My averages have sometimes been a little less, little more depending on how my body wants to cooperate with me (especially as I age), nonetheless it has always worked. This article isn’t for everyone but hopefully to those women and men that have the desire to let go and let loose on vacation may you find it beneficial.  🙂

NOTE: This is what works for me, if you have any dietary limitations or other health problems please consult your doctor and make the necessary adjustments as needed.

It’s as Easy as 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

1. Incorporate as many fresh fruits and vegetables as you can into your diet. **I will use the term diet in this article only to define the whole of your eating plan, not to be mistaken as deprivation so commonly associated with the term.** I eat a big bowl of fruit for breakfast everyday and when I say big, I mean big. I pick from the bowl all morning long. Fruit is so full of water, fiber, nutrients and vitamins, it truly is Nature’s Candy. It leaves you feeling so light yet so satisfied and believe me full of energy. Most mornings I would teach 2 hours of exercise classes, fueled by this one bowl of fruit and I could substantiate my energy levels were above par and have many a participant who would gladly give testimonial to just that fact.

   

   1.2-Veggies!!! This is one of my go to tips everyday but especially when I am in deficit mode. I substitute higher calorie, higher fat ingredients with vegetables. For example if I am making a beef stew in the crocker, or a risotto or a lasagna I will substitute some of the meat or rice (in the case of the risotto) with vegetables, lots and lots of vegetables. I will also at times, skip the meat in a lasagna and make a vege lasagna in the crocker, YUM! As much as I sing the praises of fruit, vegetables share the same attributes and they are so versatile in cooking. There is NO loss or deprivation with #1, in my humble opinion. So many fruits and vegetables to try, so little time!  😉

   

   

   

2. Practice being PC, no not politically correct—Portion Controlled. Believe me, I don’t like to limit myself especially when I am eating something really tasty. In my early deficit days (years ago) I would use Nutrisystem® or Weight Watchers Personal Cuisine® (I believe that is what it was called, we are talking early 90’s here) to practice portion control. And it always worked, but was very expensive. I would pay upwards of $700 to lose 7 lbs-$100 a lb, no bargain there. Then luckily and with age and wisdom I devised my own portion control plan. There are really only twoish-three parts to it too, very easy: •use small dishes, the size of a bread plate, think of it as a magician’s trick. •Now don’t make anything different for lunch or dinner than what you are making for your family. Just serve yourself a fist sized portion of whatever you are having to eat. This goes for eating out as well. Bread plates are usually already on the table, when your entrée comes take a fist size portion and put in on your plate. To sum that up an example plate might have: a fist sized portion of protein, a fist sized portion of rice or potato, or the like and the caveat here as much salad as you can put on that plate. Just watch the dressing and even have seconds and thirds if you like. Because I said this step is twoish-three parts, now thinking maybe more, I will conclude with this final piece which can be very controversial so proceed with caution—limit your choice to one food item and eat until you are full. Hear me out as again I have been doing this for years. I love potatoes, no secret, love them! In fact I would go as far to say if there was a potato famine I might consider that the apocalypse. When I am in deficit mode and make dinner or go out for dinner, I will sometimes (a lot of the time) stick to one food group i.e. either starch OR protein, meat OR potatoes. In my potato example I will have only the potatoes and eat until I am satisfied—note I did not say full, there is a difference. If there is a nice filet on the line, I will eat only the filet and protein is a good filler so a palm size cut is usually more than adequate to satiate me. I will eat my protein OR starch accompanied by a nice salad and again with a little dressing will eat as much as I like. I love potatoes, so eating just them is very easy for me. For you it might be rice, or turkey, just pick one with a salad and eat until you are satisfied. Calories count for sure when creating that deficit but eliminating one food group from your meals and adding in a nice sized salad already deducts calories as long as you eat until you are satisfied, again not full.

   

   

3. Avoid alcohol, sweets or your trigger foods most days of the week. No secret, alcohol, chips, cookies and pies are higher in calories, nil in nutrition, yet oh so tasty! I am not going to dwell too much on this step as I am sure in this day and age with so much health information right at our fingertips I don’t wish to hammer redundancy. I do practice self-control almost to a fault with this step to get the maximum results, however life is short and chocolate is good so most days of the week will work too! Stopping myself from going for one of these ⇓ right now!  😛

   

   

4. Amp up your exercise regime. I am not talking about adding crazy amounts of exercise here nor am I talking about adding exercise extremes—run until you drop, for example. If you workout 3 days a week, add a 4th. If you workout for 30 minutes a session, add 10 minutes. While watching TV at night, get up and walk in place during the commercials. If you normally perform steady state exercises, cardio in nature, interval train instead. Add bouts of higher intensity moves with strength training. When you add manageable quantities of exercise to your routine, the results really add up over time and get you to goal that much faster.

   

5. Finally, take a well deserved day or two off! I used to say in my exercise classes all of the time, being a human in the normal course of a “normal” day is hard enough, when you add any “extra” life stuff on top of that, the challenge surmounts. Sometimes just not even thinking about what you are going to eat and did you exercise today is enough to keep the momentum going the other days of the week. It really is all about balance. However, I don’t recommend taking more than two days off—we have a goal here!  😉

   

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   Post Script: Before writing this article, I consulted with 3 very WMR-WOMAN Market Ready women. One is preparing for an upcoming vacation, one is an exercise enthusiast and the final WMR I spoke with always has a weight line she will not cross. In speaking with these women I found that the one common thread among them was their devotion to find their balance between the food they eat, the energy they expend and the results they wish to achieve. Whether your goal is to create a vacation deficit, exercise so you can eat that pizza you so enjoy or maintaining your desired weight, every breakthrough begins by taking that first step, then another until autopilot towards your goals is the only way you fly!  🙂

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]]> https://kimberlyboutin.com/create-that-vacation-deficit-now-so-you-can-enjoy-yourself-later/feed/ 3 736 https://kimberlyboutin.com/no-pills-no-powders-no-shakes-just-simple-balance/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=no-pills-no-powders-no-shakes-just-simple-balance Mon, 05 Sep 2022 12:00:42 +0000 https://kimberlyboutin.com/?p=2779 I get it, I really do. Unless you are gifted with a naturally thin phenotype—well I guess you can stop reading now then, finding & sticking with a lifetime fitness and exercise program can seem like another full-time job. As if living in these complicated times isn’t a full-time job in and of itself! I am going to take you way back—6.5 years back to Market Ready-Take 1; the first article I had written about lifetime fitness & nutrition to introduce my personal beliefs about the subject. I reread the article to make sure I hadn’t wavered from my original stance and I haven’t and if you want a little background of my stance that article is a good place to start. I have added an additional take on my resolve but I will get to that a little later. It’s not so black and white.

There are no temporary fixes when it comes to lifetime fitness & nutrition and if anybody is telling you different, be rest assured that approach is driven by $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. Marketing for weight loss and that quick fix is a multi-trillion dollar industry. I saw an “advertisement” post recently on social media about the benefits of fasting. After I rolled my eyes, because I knew the post had a catch, I took a look. And you guessed it! Someone wanted you to pay them to tell you how to fast—HOW TO NOT EAT!!!????  I digress, they were also telling you when not to eat, I am assuming…Assuming because you had to comment first before you got any more information—privately. I personally think a good time to fast if any, are the hours you are sleeping. Common sense, maybe?

I fully support a person’s right to make a living, especially a woman. Financial independence for everyone is paramount in this lifetime, in my humble opinion. What I don’t support is multilevel marketing BASED on selling pills, powders, shakes, diet information or the like that you are basing your scientific knowledge on of the one who is selling it to you. This article will indeed not stop any of this from happening but what I hope it does is help the recipient, the one who wants to lose 10 lbs in 10 days to maybe take a step back and examine the information they are being inundated with to support somebody else’s lifestyle. Ask further questions of the one selling these things to you. Ask them what else they do in addition to popping some fat blockers before they indulge in a 12″ pepperoni pizza. Do they workout in addition, do they practice moderation in food indulgences at other times? What, if anything else do you know about the people who are peddling you a quick fix? Are they even something that you aspire to be?

I will try to wrap up this article as I really want everyone to make their own decisions when it comes to their bodies. I think the reason I really get all riled up is because I want everyone to live their best lives no matter what form that takes for them. However, wouldn’t it be so much easier if we got up everyday and had a healthy breakfast and really looked at the food we are putting in our mouths as life giving joy and nourishment. Wouldn’t it be a great world when lunchtime is approaching and you are really looking forward to what you have planned; leftovers or your favorite lunch out. Wouldn’t it be exceptional after a long day to come home and really enjoy preparing the food you are about to put into your body that will know carry you until the next day. Perhaps even provide you a good night’s sleep. Wouldn’t life be so much simpler if we just viewed our eating experiences as a joy, don’t you think your body would respond positively both inside & reflect that joy on the outside.

As I mentioned earlier I do have an additional take on my resolve that has nothing to do with finding a lifetime eating plan, exercise plan or style plan as depicted in my Market Ready-Take 1 premise. How about we find a Lifetime Love of our Body Plan. Not only what we put in our mouths but what we put into our hearts and our souls. Feed the body in all areas so that we are satisfied with God’s creation—US. A body, mind & spirit is such a great gift; a gift our Creator thought these souls deserve. Feed yours well my friends.

No Pills—No Powders—No Shakes! No thank you! Personally, if I am going to, I like to drink my calories with a little lime juice, orange liqueur and tequila. Well I guess you could call that a shake!

As I do so many times, I start out on my tasks laid out before me and then a message comes through or a thought pops into my head that derails me and takes me into a completely different direction. Distraction needs to be managed for sure but sometimes it also needs to be honored. Distraction is that little voice inside of you saying I know you are headed east but first I need you to go west. I use direction metaphors because so many times in my life I was headed one way and then out of nowhere comes the fork in the road.

The fork in the road is a magical place full of possibilities; go left and you end up here, go right and you end up there. My personal belief though is the fork arrives at the same destination, the left or right choice is only the road that leads you there with differentiating experiences along the way. The fork is also where you pick up those ghosts of life’s past. They are all along the path, on the side of the road like hitchhikers thumbing for a ride. Even if we don’t stop to pick them up, you find them on the ride with you, just the same.

…One day “Once Was” did a reconciliation of who was riding in the car (life) with her. I pulled over to the side of my figurative road and made every ghost get out of the car (mind). This was no small feat mind you, once I opened the car doors and the trunk I could see many a ghost lined up on the side of the road that I would now have to reconcile with one by one. I didn’t start in order, I started with the one that lives inside my everyday. It was the biggest one I had to break down first, the one that had plagued my journey for much too long but deserved the most respect because its purpose had made me a different person. It is the ghost I have hated and loved the most. I broke the conversation down into three parts:

1. I acknowledged what happened with this ghost, I not only acknowledged it but I allowed myself to feel it as well, free of any walls or protections.
2. I asked my ghost, why? To that I received no answer, sometimes there just isn’t one.
3. I asked my ghost, what now? I did not wait for a reply because I was the one writing my story from here on out.

Systematically, I repeated the process with the other ghosts, one by one until they were all on their way. I thanked them all for the role they have played in my life until now. I thanked them for the many lessons I had to learn from them. I assured them from this day forward, they would always hold a special place in my heart but they would no longer have a hold on my life. I was free, I was now again—authentic.

I didn’t become an “empty nester” the traditional way. When the decision was made to bring my Mom home so she could live her remaining days in the comfort of her family, the only logical decision (if there is such a thing in these times of life) was for my daughter, then 20, to move into my Mom’s place and my Mom would stay in her room. The one sole decision that was mine during this entire time was to bring my Mom home as she so badly wanted and not a thing or a person or any kind of logistics problem was going to stop me! One might argue that I wasn’t a true empty nester as I had my two sons at home still but the significance of your first child and your only daughter and the simultaneous loss of your Mother supersedes the practical definition and believe me empty doesn’t begin to cover how you feel.

Recently my daughter moved backed home for an interim stay until her new place was ready. She brought with her, her dog who became known as Grandpuppy, Jackson (and 2 rabbits, 2 birds & a fish but that is a topic for another story) but what she most profoundly brought home was a second chance for me to experience her leaving under “normal” circumstances. I never got to grieve her leaving the first time around because of the simultaneous shift of life at the time. I got a second chance and I took it!

For the 3 months my daughter was back home I cherished every second (almost  😉 ). For as the solemn lesson I learned was that every relationship has a timetable. Most people don’t get the second chance I did to have their first born leave the nest for the first time, again. I thought of my Mother and the first time we lived apart and how now there is not only logistical distance between us—there is the stars, the moon and the sky and the vast oceans of time. I brought my daughter home from the hospital to this very room, now empty. It had become both of my son’s rooms over the years but this very room was hers. I got a second chance to learn the lesson, thank you Mom for whatever hand you played, this has your hands all over it. ♥

I purposely titled this post: Minimizing Holiday Weight Gain with Ease, fully realizing that this time of year is just plain fun! With all the parties and family gatherings and good times to be had, we definitely need to live a little. So by minimize I will leave that up to you as an Individual Woman, because that’s what WMR stands for—individuality. In my 51 years I have never gained weight over the holiday season. When I say never, that is exactly what I mean and I owe it all to these 5 simple rules of holiday weight management.

My girlfriend said: I hope this doesn’t mean not being able to indulge in good eats and spirits over the holiday season? I am hear to confirm, that it does not. So sit back and grab a glass of spirits and read until the spirits kick in. 😎

Here are 5 rules I have always followed to minimize weight gain during the holidays, heck 365 days a year!

1. EXERCISE!!!! Now that is a lot of exclamation points! You can argue with me until we both turn in disgust and walk away. But during the holidays is not the time to let up on your exercise regime but to the contrary STEP it up! During the holiday season I kick my exercise regime up even more. Instead of Pilates 3 times a week I do it 5 for example. I add 5 more minutes to each session. I up my workout days from 5 to 6. I implement just a few small changes that really add up. I do however purposely schedule one day off a week no matter what to give myself a break, this is mandatory!   😀  
2. Lighten up your recipes. And I am talking all recipes from everyday dining, to baked goods to your libations. I have attached this link for recipe substitutions  from the Mayo Clinic. Lightening up your libations is a must as those calories can add up and add up fast! My drinks of choice are always or mostly vodka or tequila based. There are some very good mixes on the market available at your local grocery store that are lower in calories when you are making a martini or margarita. Skinnygirl has a great line of mixers for cocktails. Take out some of the higher calorie ingredients and replace them with no cal or low cal alternatives. Costco has a pre-made margarita mix that is to die for. I always fill my glass halfway with diet gingerale, this way I can enjoy the great, full flavor without sacrificing quantity. Note: when you are baking some ingredient substitutions don’t always yield the best product but keep experimenting and I promise you the rewards will be worth it!  Of course the alternative to lightening up your recipes is to limit your quantities but who doesn’t like two cookies instead of one, who, who???  😛 

   

3. Plan your Party Strategy. You are going to Aunt Mabel’s house and you just love her apple pie. You know you want a big piece! Lower your food intake during the day. This is how you can fully go about indulging your senses with that big ole piece of pie, without one teensy bit of regret. If you think you may get a little hungry during the day and are afraid of sabotage, pack yourselves some cut up veggies, ones you like, carrot/celery sticks etc and pop one in your mouth every time you might give in to the temptation of more treats than you wanted. Keep your eye on the PIE!!! If you are going to an occasion such as a company holiday party where you know they are going to “play that funky music till you die” and you will be on the dance floor for hours, you may skip this step (see I am very reasonable). 🙂

   

   

4. Change the way you think about holiday indulgence. Hear me out. So many holiday customs revolve around food. Heck, life revolves around food no matter your background. I am just suggesting a tiny shift in our way of thinking to find something besides high calorie laden foods and cocktails to add to our holiday repertoire. When you go to reach for that additional helping of mashed potatoes (my weakness) or the like maybe reach or touch that special ornament or decoration that has been handed down from generation to generation that you might love instead. The feelings for wanting seconds just might pass! You may be thinking she is way out there on this one but you have to admit it is “food” for thought!  😉 

   

5. Practice Self Control! I saved this one for last because I didn’t want the good feelings between us to end so soon. It should have been number one. Those of you who know me and know me well know there is no one who practices self control when it comes to all foods more than I. I can unequivocally walk my walk and talk my talk here. I open a bite size bag of skittles (love the rainbow) eat 7 pieces and save the rest for the next day or whenever. I date all bags of candy I open so when I go to have another taste I know if it is still fresh. When switching pocketbooks I have found almost full bags dated over a year ago. You get the point. So in answer to my friends statement of earlier: I hope this doesn’t mean not being able to indulge in good eats and spirits over the holiday season, it absolutely does not. I love, repeat love desserts and sweets of any kind! I like to try lots of them, all that are laid out before me. I just indulge in bites of each. I choose where I want to spend my calories. If I want more cocktails, I cut back on dinner or desserts and vice-versa. You got this! 😀 

   

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Finally, almost 3 years later, paralysis by analysis was a premise I had to put in the rear view. They say; “that first step you take is the longest stride” and indeed it was! But in that stride the planning began to emerge and transpire. Here is how I turned my non-inspiring, ok space into the Glam Home Office of my dreams!

Step 1: I knew I always wanted a L-shaped desk that as you see in the before I tried to make happen with two existing desks from my old office, both of which are antiques and I love but they just weren’t getting the job done. So the search began for two desks that would fit together in my space and make the L-configuration. I saw so many Ikea desk hacks but thankfully, a blessing in disguise; their website was not working and I couldn’t order on-line so I had to move on. And of course by moving on, I went to Amazon. I searched and search until the one jumped out at me like a dove floating on the clouds (ok, that’s a little dramatic) but that’s how I felt. The gold tones in the legs, the simpleness of the design, the 55″ of glorious desktop. I was in love. 

Step 2: With the glam desks on order, I turned to the flooring. I love my drapes; they are so subtle with hints of blue, yellow and a little gray all on a soothing cream background. The rug, which I consider the anchor had to be just as special. And as all love at first sight, I knew it when I saw it…after an exhausting search but there it was on Wayfair. So perfect!

Step 3: I was now on the search for the accessories that not only had a function but added a little Glam! I started with a soothing office chair cover in a soft sea blue color to play off of the curtains and the rug. I found an accessory holder in glam gold and am now on the search for the perfect lamps as I have no overhead lighting, which I hope to rectify someday with a nice chandelier. I also used up some wall space with a Tiffany Blue Filer Holder which will also relieve the clutter from forming on my now 110″ of desk space. 😀

Step 4: Time to put it all together.

Don’t mind the janky file cabinet, I got some beautiful gold patterned contact paper to take care of that! 🙂

I still have a few more finishing touches but I woke up a very happy girl today because with a little Glam aren’t we all still that girl inside! ????

Friends, Grilled Cheese & Martinis are the Trifecta of Perfection! In this day and age when our lives are so centered around work, kids, home and whatever else life throws at us, a night in with the ladies—sharing stories, providing guidance and most importantly supporting each other, is a reason to really celebrate and go all out for. As with planning any gathering it all starts with the master list: Who, What, When & Where.

1. Who-is your Ladies VIP guest list of course.
2. What-is the deliciousness you will have on your menu.
3. When-will determine what you serve on your menu. For example, an evening gathering, after dinner time might lend itself to a more casual tapas style menu. On this occasion that was different grilled cheeses’ & martinis. 
4. Where-“in” of course to create an atmosphere of cozy togetherness and camaraderie. Maybe you can rotate or take turns hosting to truly let your hosting style shine.

Ok, so let’s get back to the “what“, from number 2, this article is dedicated to: Grilled Cheese & Martinis. At the end of this article I have included my recipe for The Perfect “Grilled Cheese”. The beauty of this recipe is it can really be customized to so many individual tastes. I am going to let the visuals do the talking for me.

Recipe Note: The Grilled Cheese Pound Cake with Cheesecake Filling is prepared by buttering the sliced poundcake, adding softened cheesecake between two slices and broiling on high for 1-2 minutes per side, watching them closely so they don’t burn.

Martini Note: Martinis come in all different varieties. For this occasion I made my version of the Lemondrop Martini: 2-4 ounces of citrus vodka; 2-4 ounces of fresh squeezed lemon juice; a splash of gingerale or sprite. Yellow sprinkles and lemon wedge to garnish. This is another way to really be able to customize to your guest’s tastes. Have fun with it! I love to make my own homemade flavored vodkas, click on hyperlink for my how to’s.

Well there you have it! A great time was had by all on this Ladies Grilled Cheese & Martini Night and we all agreed what was talked about at Ladies Grilled Cheese & Martini Night stays at Ladies Grilled Cheese & Martini Night. Trifecta of Perfection.  😉

Chapters

You came into my life at a time for whatever reason, I needed you. One day sooner, one day later perhaps this chance encounter might not have been. Perhaps my mindset would have been different. I was moderate inside at the time, not happy-not sad; that mediocrity might have opened your door to mine that you would walk through. I often ask—why you? Maybe it was a feeling you brought me. Maybe it was the familiarity of your eyes. Maybe our souls had crossed paths in another time and place but was destined for this place and time. Whatever the reason, you would now become a chapter in my life, pages that would write themselves until I took the pen and realized it was time.

It is often said that the moment you become conscious of an autopilot behavior that it is now your responsibility to change it. Especially if it contradicts the way you want to consciously live your life. I call that, “taking the pen“. Taking the pen and writing a different ending to the chapter you may be stuck on. Autopilot is an easy ride. Autopilot tricks you into thinking, “let me take the wheel”. I know what is best for us. I admit it is comfortable but I emphatically know it is also very dangerous. Like driving down a windy road with no seatbelt on. Nothing may happen, something may happen but hey I am not driving. Tsk tsk tsk.

The aforementioned weekend I was having a conversation with a very dear, mentor of mine. They were asking me if I regret my decision to move my Family to the shore to follow my dreams. The immediate and conscious answer was: no. I said: nobody can die for you; you sure as heck should not let anyone live for you. I turned to face them to find tears in their eyes that made their way to their cheeks. This was not my intention of course but the listener had found the words, profound. Without realizing it I was encouraging a wonderful person to take the pen.

When I encourage others to take the pen it sometimes serves as an aid to myself to course correct my own life when I feel the need to activate autopilot. When you chase a feeling or a moment in time that makes you feel good, as I have, but does not align with your true direction in your life—your chapters; I encourage you to take the pen.

Take the pen and write a new ending, an authentic ending. Every chapter in your life; a very brief time in existence even if you get 100 years deserves that authenticity. The authenticity to know who deserves a page in your next chapters and whose time has come to an end with the stroke of a pen.

Feature Photo by Ryan Graybill on Unsplash

When Jenny turned down his marriage proposal; Forrest Gump said: I’m not a smart man. But I know what love is. Love—what an interesting word. It has a literal definition but its subjectivity is where the actual meaning comes in. I, the author of this article, loves LOVE—my definition of it! I think it makes the world go round; picks you up when you are feeling down and just downright makes this life worth living. I love to give more than I receive, though the reciprocation is of the utmost palatable. I love to see it manifest in others. I love seeing the love parents have for their children & the utmost love—the love children have for their parents.

First comes love, then comes marriage…

Marriage; to marry, to bring together in holy matrimony. A contract between two people who decide to share a life together. I often find myself contemplating should humans with ever changing emotions and feelings towards one another even enter into such a contract? Or more inquisitively—why? I, personally; marry for love. But what happens if the feeling of love goes away—enter the contract.

The contract between two imperfect people. I have had many discussions about this with my best confidant in the whole world. What constitutes the deal breakers? After all, marriage is a deal. My personal dealbreakers vary but are simple in nature. I abhor violence, there is no negotiating, deal breaker. You can love me but if you don’t like me or spending time with me, please find someone you do. If you are not willing to negotiate the contract; please be upfront about it and be person enough to end the deal. One sided relationships are the worst! Giving someone false hope is akin to soul stealing. Give them the chance to go find the love they deserve. The upfront strike will hurt them but less than years of hope when there really is none. I have seen this time and time again…heartbreaking to watch, every time. I implore everyone to know their own dealbreakers or at the very least their points of negotiation.

I have had two marriages. I married young the first time, before I even knew who I was. I say that with zero regret. 17 years of being with another imperfect soul teaches you things about yourself, you never even knew existed. It teaches what your dealbreakers are for the next or for the union you choose to stay in. It also teaches you that no union or contract is infallible. It forces you to face the parts of yourselves that we give up or gets swept away within your union. We come into this world alone and ultimately that is how we go out. I believe we need to live our lives the same way, whether in a marriage or not. If we don’t know who we are as individuals how can we possibly know who we are in a union? How can we negotiate the contract?

As I stated, I have almost lost my second marriage many times from not learning the lessons from the first. Repeating the same mistakes because I failed to identify root cause. I was on autopilot in my own life. I gave up my responsibility of being my own imperfect being first for a we. It wasn’t until I took that responsibility back—what I bring to the bargaining table did then the tides turn. Nobody is responsible for anyone else’s happiness in this life. They can enhance it but the burden of responsibility for it cannot be theirs. I will never again make the mistake of not knowing what I will or will not accept in a contract. I will put in the work in my own life, to either enhance my own existence or my union’s. I will never again fail to negotiate the contract in any relationship I deem worth fighting for.

Lastly I will take to heart—Marriage is just two imperfect people who say I do and through it all whether the union prevails or we go it alone…